THE VALUE OF "QUANTITY TIME" People Who Say Quality Time Is All That Matters Are Wrong Over the past few years I have been very busy, perhaps busier than at any other period of my life. Over the past few years I have also been married (and my anniversary is coming up on the 29th). This has presented a very unique set of challenges to my wife and I. How are we going to stay connected with one another? How do I convince my wife that I care about her even when I choose to stay at school, work, etc. until late in the night? You get the idea.
Typically our answer to these questions has been to make the few hours we do have to spend together REALLY meaningful. This is the old quality time vs. quantity time argument. It has worked fine for us so far, but the past two weeks have reminded me that there is a weakness to this model - it doesn't work half as well at building mutual affection and trust as quantity time does - at least in our relationship.
A short example is in order. Last week, with seemingly no planning at all, my wife and I planned a quick dinner with some friends. This would not normally have been possible given the time constraints we are normally under, but this time we just made a few phone calls, shifted our schedules, and made it happen. This dinner time was a lot of fun, but the overall "success" of eating dinner in Richmond really had more to do with the fact that we were already relaxed than anything else. And this week has been even easier. I work during the day on client projects and preparing for New York, and Megan still works for Deloitte, but once we eat dinner the work is done and we just hang out.
Perhaps the best part of this whole scenario has been the huge spike in silly jokes, laughter, and talking about our dreams that has occurred as a result. My new goal is to try and remember this later in life when I become tempted to think that spending really "quality" time with my wife and family is all that matters and that I'm not losing anything by seeing them for just a few hours a week.
Surely this is an area where a balance must be struck between career actualization and family happiness, but I don't know where the line is yet and just pray to God that I find it as soon as the kids start to show up...
If anyone has thoughts or advice I would welcome your input. More thoughts when I get to New York (on Saturday!). Posted May 21, 2008 Fellow Dreamer Posted by: Andrew Hartman I think this is a profound question, particularly for those in search of career actualization in a culture that strongly suggests that this requires 60+ hours a week. What would a more alternate integrated approach look like: one where our families are active participants in our vocational dreams. This may require alternate career paths that may not necessarily fall in line with our aspirations. One thought would be entrepreneurial endeavors where we define the office space. Perhaps if we had built "quantity time" into the foundation of our vocational hopes and dreams, we would have arrived at this integrated approach to begin with and not needed to battle the expectation and path adjustment. Posted 2008-05-25 19:51:55 The Line Posted by: Lauren You may be able to find that line before the kids arrive, but it will move when they do, and be in flux for the rest of your life. The only thing you can do is constantly reevaluate your career/family balance, and make the necessary course corrections. Posted 2008-05-25 20:46:06 Vocation vs. Implication Posted by: Christof I am struck by the fact that I often live my life in a much more "pre-destined" manner than Andrew's vocational-based model allows. I like what you said Andrew, but I'm struck by the fact that I feel very compelled to follow where the implied best move is next.
That is to say, I often feel like God opens doors for me and the implication is that I should walk through them. So I'm always looking for the "opening" to follow. This seems a bit different (and unsatisfying) compared to your "listening" (i.e. voca) approach to the next best step.
If your proposed model is the best, however, it would also imply that all your best decisions were conscious, deliberate actions designed for your notion of the best life, whereas my current model basically allows for a lot of "somehow I just got here and I'm not sure how" type of actions.
What do you think of this distinction now? Is one better? Are they the same? Is one more selfish? Godly? Loving? Posted 2008-06-04 20:51:25 One's Value Chain Posted by: Andrew Hartman "Vocational" may need to be deconstructed somewhat. Classically it probably encompassed going to work for some powerhouse (i.e. IBM) in a specific department (i.e. Accounting) and working there for 30 years. I would say "vocational" is closer tied to a skill set or type of occupation you generally apply yourself towards. For instance, in your life, Christof, I would say that your vocation will include marketing, ideas, vision casting, consulting, etc. in some form or another. With that definition in place, I believe it becomes a question of one's value chain as the "openings" present themselves. You, Christof, would most likely never take a ditch-digging job because it does not match your values: career advancement, application of your best skills/strengths, etc. In the same fashion, I would argue that quantity time as a value should be a part of the decision-making criteria as the "openings" present themselves.
"Selfish" and "Godly" are matters of the heart that we all must answer on our own. The concept of God opening doors, though I certainly believe happens in my life and your life, is tricky to discern in a vacuum without applying criteria of what we know of the character of God. The question becomes would God call us to roles/positions that would negatively affect our ability to care for, love, and lead our families. I'm not sure. Posted 2008-06-08 18:26:47 COMMENT ON THIS POST
